My Stepping Stone

Sybil takes a few steps.

Literally.

I decided yesterday (Sunday.) I was going to get up early and walk the beach. I  accomplished my goal.. not realizing just how far I had walked.

The ocean heals me, the sound, the scent, the water crashing against my ankles, it brings comfort.

I needed to heal old wounds.  I forgave, I harbored the hurt for years..

I swallowed the lump in my throat, chin quivering, rocking back and forth..

I cried there in the sand.. my sobs being drowned out by the crashing waves.

It felt amazing to let  go.

I was emotionally spent. Even today I’m tired. I slept like a baby when I came home. A rarity for me to close my eyes for more than 3 hours.

Im haunted.  

I wasn’t going to bring up old hurts. (or talk about that fateful day in Oct)

I had nothing else to blog about tho. I need healing..

and Ive finally healed.

Its easy to say… 

you say it to bring comfort to THEM…

Yes, Im fine, thank you for asking.

We know you’re  sensitive, how are you handling things? 

(The way they look at me makes me sick)

and I think in my head..Com’on you seriously want me to answer?

How do you want me to answer that?

Or is it a gimmick? you really DONT want to hear it. 

You couldn’t handle the hurt I harbor.

I carry it like a FREAKIN badge.

July and August proved to be horrid months as well... being tossed around like a rag doll, 

I faced those demons head on.

I won in every sense of the word. I still have the scars to prove it. But I won those rounds. Alone.

I cried for that too.. Its hard to fathom the pain one person can bring you. Let alone 2.

I banged my fists into the sand. Snot running down my nose.. Tears running down my cheeks.

I never thought Id go through that, EVER. I was overwhelmed and holding it in for almost a year has brought nothing but turmoil to me and my marriage.

Its hard to forgive.

I guard my heart and my emotions.. The pain I suffered those uneventful 3 days has brought such agony, I could barely function at times.

I’d rehash it, OVER and OVER remembering the wounds, and the bruises left by those 2 people. 

I’ve healed though. I don’t blame them personally.

I blame the situation and their addictions.

My hearts taken time to heal, longer than I expected. But it’s healed. (Somewhat).

 I need to allow the other scars to heal, not just the emotional scaring; more like the physical ones need to heal.  I glance at them and cringe.