The Nightmare...

I tried to create a blog you could come to and get a laugh from, to walk away for a brief moment and leave your stress at the door, seeing life through my eyes if for only a few minutes.

I have nothing really to laugh about this week. Or last week really.

Ive neglected my emotional side. (Sybil has been in full swing)

I try not to be negative. I have enough of that in my life as it is.

I try to find the humor in little things that transpire in my day to day life.

(Ass gasket woman, Mr. M ß(my boss) my children, my sister, MY LIFE) pssss, I will find a way to talk chit..and laugh.. trust me I will..

I sat down today and asked God, how much more can you give me before I freakin lose it?

I mean really.

You hear the term..He only gives what you can handle.

Uh…

Do I need to be put into a mental hospital before he gets a clue that I can’t handle what he’s given me?

I’m not complaining, I’m simply stating a fact.

Ive taken the challenge... I cant back out of this one. NO FLIPPEN WAY.

Im’ah strong woman,
I have my wits about me. I can take it all.

I didn’t realize when my son came home a few weeks ago just how bad he truly was. Perhaps I had my blinders on and closed my shutters, not wanting to admit there was a problem.

*pauses and thinks back…

I actually expected this from my middle son. NOT my eldest.

He was my golden child. I expected too much from him growing up. *realizes my error* He’s brilliant. 4.0 GPA all through school. The gifted program. He didn’t have to study, or do homework, I relished that.

I held him on a pedestal.

*hangs head in shame.

Did I do this by expecting too much? Did I do this by stressing how much he’s worth in this life?

Strive for the best J, DON’T settle for anything less.

*clenches fists*

Maybe I did this?

I knew Sunday immediate action had to be taken. My husband and I took him along with his fiancé to the ER.

I had assumed he’d slowly come down..

4 days later he was worse.

I drove 45 minutes heart in throat … The not knowing killed me.

My husband took my hand..

I sobbed..

I begged..

 I asked God to heal my son.

We drove him to the ER, as drugs had taken over his mind.

He was friendly.. in the beginning.

His frustration mounted..I warned the nurses…

He wanted to leave,

The guard posted at his door calmly called me over…

He’s under 24 hour care, he cant leave. He’s safe here.

An hour later, ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE.

I had stepped out to check in with family…

I noticed as I walked back in the guards running down the hall.

It was our 7^th hour of being there.. They knew J well.

He talked to them when he was calm.. waved.. smiled.. each guard breaking the others for lunches got to know us well.

I watched him being restrained by 7 security guards.

Talk to him, calm him down. The guard said.  

I lay across his legs trying to comfort him while I watched in horror him ripping the IV from his arm, blood oozing from his wound.

I watched them strap him down tears of frustration running down his cheeks as he tried to break free.

His voice hoarse from screaming.. Sweat running down his face, teeth clenched together, hatred written on his face.

I whispered to him through his screams.. I love you…

He’d pause for a second, reality hitting his mind…

Then the hallucinations would take over…

I knew I could reach him.. I spoke again.. I love you

The nurse trying to reinsert his IV..

the restraints  being put on his feet..

Sedative injected…

And the IV was once again ripped from his arm.

His last words before it took effect…

IM NOT YOUR F’ing GUINEA PIG..

Blessed peace took over.. and the men slowly removed their hands from his battered body.

I glanced at my precious son.. my heart broke as I saw the bruises on his arms..

Leather restraints on his feet and wrists.

 IV’s laying on the floor.. blood pooled at his arm where the IV had been ripped out the first time.

His hand swollen from the 2^nd IV being torn from his skin..

I broke then.

All these years (6) to be precise came crashing down on me.  

How much more could I deal with? I was at a loss already but this?

Geeez’us.

I can find some humor out of this. He did end up escaping.

He’s intelligent ..brilliant actually.

He convinced them he was fine.. they removed the restraints

He made it 2 blocks down Van Nuys blvd before his best friend and fiancé caught him.

Security wasn’t so fast… they stood and watched him run.. (shock evident on their faces)

On the way out.. he grabbed the family Bible.

Forget the shoes.. forget the clothing.. he grabbed his bible.

He’s healing.. its been a rough week.

Its slow..

I see glimpses of him…

His brain hasn’t fully recovered.

He’s home..

And

He’s detoxing..

And the process is slow..

Painfully slow.



Sometimes life hands you a bucket of shit doesn’t it?!