Nightmares

WHEN?! does one come to grips with what’s been handed to them in life. heh. I feel like flippen life the bird.

Technically speaking it’s not my life. But the life of my son J.

I can’t help but hear his voice in my head..

It’s my journey mom. Quit steppin on it.

(I cant help it Hejo, as a mother its my job to step on your journey along the way to make sure you stay true to course)

I never really understood mental illness.

Happens to everyone else but YOUR family. Right?!

I spoke with a doctor sometime ago when J, was first hospitalized.

Does anyone suffer from depression in the family?

I hesitated…

Really? I thought in my head.. is she going there?

I understood she was trying to help my son.

I understood she needed answers.

Here’s my reply.

Arent we all suffering depression?

I mean we’re in a recession!

How many people are jobless? Have No money and cant pay their bills?!

Of course we’re DEPRESSSSSED!

Stupid question.

How about asking , when did your son start hearing voices? And acting delusional?

I cant rightfully say… Im not sure.

I honestly thought this was drugs, and he’d be better in no time. (A week tops)

But the days grew into weeks and weeks into months.

The days progressed, and his mind continued on his delusional thought process.

I had no answers…

When they mentioned the “S” word.. My knees buckled.

Schizophrenia..

I said the word over and over in my mind.

I wanted to shout..

THAT’S MY SON YOU’RE TALKIN BOUT.

Not some weird guy on the street you just met.

He’s handsome.. he’s a charmer.. he’s funny.. he’s my EVERYTHING.

This cant happen o ME.

I hung up with the doctor, I called my mom, Schizophrenia!! Are you F’in kidding me?!

My son isn’t weird. He’s on drugs, DAMN IT.

As the months passed he started saying bizarre things.

Things he shouldn’t know.

Spiritual things.

He knew things about people…

He’d ask me about the spiritual war.

Did you know there are angels and demons fighting?

A HUGE war mom… I see them.

I chalked it up as him hallucinating. I cant get the look of him trying to convince me he saw it.

Him: You think Im lying!!

Me: No, not at all..

Him: IM NOT F’ing lying.

Me: relax, I never said you were.

Him: F you.

How could I believe him when this person who spoke to me like that WASN’T my son, but a complete stranger?

Weeks later, he’s back in jail and isn’t allowed to even have mail. He’s sick. Severely ill. I went the other day to visit him.

I was that fish out of water. I mean.. I cringed and cried…

How do these people sit there so nonchalantly and not CARE?!

Was I the only one falling apart?! *YES*

Was I the only one who had tears running down my cheeks..? *YES*

I rocked back and forth.

A friggen nightmare.

I glanced around the room watching each person… Not one looked misplaced..

Maybe I had a BIG FAT RED ARROW over my head pointing directly at me…

Hey.. she’s oughtta placeeee!!

I awaited them calling his name… what floor he was on and which way to go..

I repeated it in my head as I walked down the long corridor… turn left after I get outta the elevator.

Several people filled the elevator..

Each time someone would hold the door… and Id make a Psssssh sound.

I walked out on his floor..

I came around the corner… to the left.. and saw him standing there..

I froze.. Stopping in midstride. I stared..

And we both smiled. I mouthed I love you…

I walked quickly over and realized he was still cuffed.

I watched as he backed up to the door lifting his hands out the slot.

It killed me to watch… my son in his right mind would be horrified by what he had done.. or where he was at.

My son was always a good kid.. I NEVER in all my life thought Id be in this situation..

EVER.

He closed his eyes as he picked up the phone..

J, I said..

Silence.. his mouth moved.. but I couldn’t hear him..

I saw him talking.. and I shook my head letting him know I couldn’t hear him..

My heart broke…

The phone was broken.. I hadn’t seen him since the 8^th of Aug.. Except for a brief moment at his hearing.

Today was the 20^th!!

I need to hear his voice..

He called the guard.. GUARDDDDDD..

I heard the muffle through the glass.. and blessed sound came to my ears..

J?!

Mommmm.

My chin quivered…

I MISSSS YOU.. I said.

His eyes closed again..

Mommm.. Ive missed you so much…Im sorry.. Im sorry you have to see this.

I shook my head back and forth..

I placed my hand on the glass.. His reached to touch mine.

I left my hand there picturing the warmth of his.. Remembering when he was little and Id reach for his hand and MAKE him hold  it.

Then years later he’d reach for mine..

I love holding your hand ma, you’re a beautiful woman.. you make me proud.

Instead I felt the 5” cold glass.

Im sorry he said over and over..

and my hearts still broken