Broken

Im staring at a blank screen watching the cursor blink over and over. Words come to mind, yet they flee as soon as I start to type.

Ive tried staying away from my blog. Ive written roughly 20 drafts, all waiting for completion, yet completing them has become a chore.

I’m amazed at how much I have to say.. Putting it all down on paper seems useless.

Im in a buggered mood lately. I have a lot to rant about. Yet, nothing to say.

Perhaps its safer in ones mind than it is spoken aloud.

I’d like to think so.

No, better yet, I know so.

Its been trial after trial all week. (let me have a pity party, puts on my lil pity hat)

Many of you know my son is mentally ill. (or maybe NOT)

He has….

Drug induced schizophrenia, OR schizophrenia with Bi-polar.

Ive read enough to be an expert. Hell, I should be able to prescribe you meds after I finish my text book romance on the subject.

Ive read everything I possibly can on the subject. And Im NO closer to finding a reason as to WHY this happened.

You take a perfectly healthy young man who has everything going for him.

and WHAM… Mentally he’s NO longer there.

Talk about a crushing blow.

I cant tell you how much I hurt… how much Ive cried… how much I wanted to crawl under a rock and die.

How Ive begged God to exchange brains with my son…

I leaned my forehead against his, tears running down my cheeks…

**I’ll do anything to take your brain**

Id give you mine and think nothing of it.

Just to see you healthy again… to see YOU again.

It would be worth the one glimpse before my mind took yours over.

Ive prayed and prayed for it to happen. .. yet.. Im healthy and he’s still insane.

From alien sightings, to being Jesus, or even Michael the Arc Angel.

He hasn’t a clue as to what he’s saying. (during his hallucinations)

Other times I see a glimpse of him, and my hope soars. Only to be crushed in a matter of seconds.

Im no closer to finding my son in the maze of delusions that have over taken his mind. 

Im lost.

Am I angry? Yes,

 Am I lost and confused? YES.

 Am I spent on trying to figure out HOW this happened? YES.

WHY ME?!

Puts pity hat back on.

Haven’t you given me enough shit the last few years? I mean com’on…

You only give what we can handle. How is it you know what I can handle Im ready to FLIPPEN snap!!!

Can you see my fist clenching my lips thinning and my attitude toward others as SAFE?! Or what I can handle?

I want to kick the shit outta someone. Pray I hold that in check!!

This happens to OTHER families. NOT mine.

You read about it and think… THANK YOU GOD, for not allowing this to happen to MY family.

Yet, Im living this nightmare.

He’s back in jail. Is he safe there?

Last time he suffered several fractures (geeeee, I wonder how that happened?) *arches eyebrow.

Hubby saw him yesterday in court. He looked well. Just “loopy” He laughed the whole time.

My heart broke when he told me.

I know he wasn’t beaten up at the local police station. It’s the county jail I worry about.

The local police have enough on their hands with the Kelly Thomas MURDER.

They have to walk on pins and needles now with mental illness.   
You can read about Kelly HERE

Actual story is HERE 

I worry that will happen to my son. I worry he will be a victim of their viciousness. My only consolation…

Payback is a bitch.

What you did to my son will come back to you 3 fold.

I just PRAY your child doesn’t suffer mental illness and someone beats him while he/she is in cuffs and cant defend themselves.

I prayed for you… I was finally able to heal my broken heart… I went over him being beaten by you OVER and OVER…  my son being slammed against a cement floor

Foot kicking him in the head, baton smacking him across the face. All the while you got your rocks off on hitting him.

Did he cry out?

Did he call my name like Kelly Thomas, called for his dad?

Did my son scream MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMY 

(he maybe 23, yet on occasion hes been known to call me mommy) … 

DID he call for meeeeeee

Did my son deserve to have  knots on his skull and the fractures to his cheek bones  because his delusions made him look at you?

I pray your child/ren NEVER have to deal with men like yourselves. I pray KARMA doesn’t come back and bite you on the ass.

 I can honestly say I DON’T hate you anymore. Or harbor any hard feelings.

J, put it nicely when I broke down while talking to my mom.

In one of his sane moments, he stated.

Don’t hate them mama, PRAY for them.

I remember his voice… I remember it being MY J, who said it.. not the delusional man he’s  become.

Just remember though… Vengeance is Gods,

The Lord Promises he is a safe place to be.

He will not foresake you,

If you have been hurt in the past, let me assure you that 

"He will not crush those who are weak or quench the smallest hope. He will bring full justice to all who have been wronged".

Isaiah 42:3 NLT

I'll pray for you,.