Nightmares

WHEN?! does one come to grips with what’s been handed to them in life. heh. I feel like flippen life the bird.

Technically speaking it’s not my life. But the life of my son J.

I can’t help but hear his voice in my head..

It’s my journey mom. Quit steppin on it.

(I cant help it Hejo, as a mother its my job to step on your journey along the way to make sure you stay true to course)

I never really understood mental illness.

Happens to everyone else but YOUR family. Right?!

I spoke with a doctor sometime ago when J, was first hospitalized.

Does anyone suffer from depression in the family?

I hesitated…

Really? I thought in my head.. is she going there?

I understood she was trying to help my son.

I understood she needed answers.

Here’s my reply.

Arent we all suffering depression?

I mean we’re in a recession!

How many people are jobless? Have No money and cant pay their bills?!

Of course we’re DEPRESSSSSED!

Stupid question.

How about asking , when did your son start hearing voices? And acting delusional?

I cant rightfully say… Im not sure.

I honestly thought this was drugs, and he’d be better in no time. (A week tops)

But the days grew into weeks and weeks into months.

The days progressed, and his mind continued on his delusional thought process.

I had no answers…

When they mentioned the “S” word.. My knees buckled.

Schizophrenia..

I said the word over and over in my mind.

I wanted to shout..

THAT’S MY SON YOU’RE TALKIN BOUT.

Not some weird guy on the street you just met.

He’s handsome.. he’s a charmer.. he’s funny.. he’s my EVERYTHING.

This cant happen o ME.

I hung up with the doctor, I called my mom, Schizophrenia!! Are you F’in kidding me?!

My son isn’t weird. He’s on drugs, DAMN IT.

As the months passed he started saying bizarre things.

Things he shouldn’t know.

Spiritual things.

He knew things about people…

He’d ask me about the spiritual war.

Did you know there are angels and demons fighting?

A HUGE war mom… I see them.

I chalked it up as him hallucinating. I cant get the look of him trying to convince me he saw it.

Him: You think Im lying!!

Me: No, not at all..

Him: IM NOT F’ing lying.

Me: relax, I never said you were.

Him: F you.

How could I believe him when this person who spoke to me like that WASN’T my son, but a complete stranger?

Weeks later, he’s back in jail and isn’t allowed to even have mail. He’s sick. Severely ill. I went the other day to visit him.

I was that fish out of water. I mean.. I cringed and cried…

How do these people sit there so nonchalantly and not CARE?!

Was I the only one falling apart?! *YES*

Was I the only one who had tears running down my cheeks..? *YES*

I rocked back and forth.

A friggen nightmare.

I glanced around the room watching each person… Not one looked misplaced..

Maybe I had a BIG FAT RED ARROW over my head pointing directly at me…

Hey.. she’s oughtta placeeee!!

I awaited them calling his name… what floor he was on and which way to go..

I repeated it in my head as I walked down the long corridor… turn left after I get outta the elevator.

Several people filled the elevator..

Each time someone would hold the door… and Id make a Psssssh sound.

I walked out on his floor..

I came around the corner… to the left.. and saw him standing there..

I froze.. Stopping in midstride. I stared..

And we both smiled. I mouthed I love you…

I walked quickly over and realized he was still cuffed.

I watched as he backed up to the door lifting his hands out the slot.

It killed me to watch… my son in his right mind would be horrified by what he had done.. or where he was at.

My son was always a good kid.. I NEVER in all my life thought Id be in this situation..

EVER.

He closed his eyes as he picked up the phone..

J, I said..

Silence.. his mouth moved.. but I couldn’t hear him..

I saw him talking.. and I shook my head letting him know I couldn’t hear him..

My heart broke…

The phone was broken.. I hadn’t seen him since the 8^th of Aug.. Except for a brief moment at his hearing.

Today was the 20^th!!

I need to hear his voice..

He called the guard.. GUARDDDDDD..

I heard the muffle through the glass.. and blessed sound came to my ears..

J?!

Mommmm.

My chin quivered…

I MISSSS YOU.. I said.

His eyes closed again..

Mommm.. Ive missed you so much…Im sorry.. Im sorry you have to see this.

I shook my head back and forth..

I placed my hand on the glass.. His reached to touch mine.

I left my hand there picturing the warmth of his.. Remembering when he was little and Id reach for his hand and MAKE him hold  it.

Then years later he’d reach for mine..

I love holding your hand ma, you’re a beautiful woman.. you make me proud.

Instead I felt the 5” cold glass.

Im sorry he said over and over..

and my hearts still broken

Broken

Im staring at a blank screen watching the cursor blink over and over. Words come to mind, yet they flee as soon as I start to type.

Ive tried staying away from my blog. Ive written roughly 20 drafts, all waiting for completion, yet completing them has become a chore.

I’m amazed at how much I have to say.. Putting it all down on paper seems useless.

Im in a buggered mood lately. I have a lot to rant about. Yet, nothing to say.

Perhaps its safer in ones mind than it is spoken aloud.

I’d like to think so.

No, better yet, I know so.

Its been trial after trial all week. (let me have a pity party, puts on my lil pity hat)

Many of you know my son is mentally ill. (or maybe NOT)

He has….

Drug induced schizophrenia, OR schizophrenia with Bi-polar.

Ive read enough to be an expert. Hell, I should be able to prescribe you meds after I finish my text book romance on the subject.

Ive read everything I possibly can on the subject. And Im NO closer to finding a reason as to WHY this happened.

You take a perfectly healthy young man who has everything going for him.

and WHAM… Mentally he’s NO longer there.

Talk about a crushing blow.

I cant tell you how much I hurt… how much Ive cried… how much I wanted to crawl under a rock and die.

How Ive begged God to exchange brains with my son…

I leaned my forehead against his, tears running down my cheeks…

**I’ll do anything to take your brain**

Id give you mine and think nothing of it.

Just to see you healthy again… to see YOU again.

It would be worth the one glimpse before my mind took yours over.

Ive prayed and prayed for it to happen. .. yet.. Im healthy and he’s still insane.

From alien sightings, to being Jesus, or even Michael the Arc Angel.

He hasn’t a clue as to what he’s saying. (during his hallucinations)

Other times I see a glimpse of him, and my hope soars. Only to be crushed in a matter of seconds.

Im no closer to finding my son in the maze of delusions that have over taken his mind. 

Im lost.

Am I angry? Yes,

 Am I lost and confused? YES.

 Am I spent on trying to figure out HOW this happened? YES.

WHY ME?!

Puts pity hat back on.

Haven’t you given me enough shit the last few years? I mean com’on…

You only give what we can handle. How is it you know what I can handle Im ready to FLIPPEN snap!!!

Can you see my fist clenching my lips thinning and my attitude toward others as SAFE?! Or what I can handle?

I want to kick the shit outta someone. Pray I hold that in check!!

This happens to OTHER families. NOT mine.

You read about it and think… THANK YOU GOD, for not allowing this to happen to MY family.

Yet, Im living this nightmare.

He’s back in jail. Is he safe there?

Last time he suffered several fractures (geeeee, I wonder how that happened?) *arches eyebrow.

Hubby saw him yesterday in court. He looked well. Just “loopy” He laughed the whole time.

My heart broke when he told me.

I know he wasn’t beaten up at the local police station. It’s the county jail I worry about.

The local police have enough on their hands with the Kelly Thomas MURDER.

They have to walk on pins and needles now with mental illness.   
You can read about Kelly HERE

Actual story is HERE 

I worry that will happen to my son. I worry he will be a victim of their viciousness. My only consolation…

Payback is a bitch.

What you did to my son will come back to you 3 fold.

I just PRAY your child doesn’t suffer mental illness and someone beats him while he/she is in cuffs and cant defend themselves.

I prayed for you… I was finally able to heal my broken heart… I went over him being beaten by you OVER and OVER…  my son being slammed against a cement floor

Foot kicking him in the head, baton smacking him across the face. All the while you got your rocks off on hitting him.

Did he cry out?

Did he call my name like Kelly Thomas, called for his dad?

Did my son scream MOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMY 

(he maybe 23, yet on occasion hes been known to call me mommy) … 

DID he call for meeeeeee

Did my son deserve to have  knots on his skull and the fractures to his cheek bones  because his delusions made him look at you?

I pray your child/ren NEVER have to deal with men like yourselves. I pray KARMA doesn’t come back and bite you on the ass.

 I can honestly say I DON’T hate you anymore. Or harbor any hard feelings.

J, put it nicely when I broke down while talking to my mom.

In one of his sane moments, he stated.

Don’t hate them mama, PRAY for them.

I remember his voice… I remember it being MY J, who said it.. not the delusional man he’s  become.

Just remember though… Vengeance is Gods,

The Lord Promises he is a safe place to be.

He will not foresake you,

If you have been hurt in the past, let me assure you that 

"He will not crush those who are weak or quench the smallest hope. He will bring full justice to all who have been wronged".

Isaiah 42:3 NLT

I'll pray for you,.

Life Lost...

I watched the report on Kelly Thomas. (you can read about it here) 

The man with Schizophrenia beaten to death by 5 Fullerton police officers.

My stomach churns just looking at the photos.

(hearing his voice crying out for his dad) My God, it kills me. 

As a parent my heart aches for his mother and father.

As a mother of a son who MAY have Schizophrenia Im TERRIFIED!!

My son refuses to take the meds they claim he  needs. Im treading water here.. Surrounded by sharks and its only a matter of time before Im gobbled up by the same beastly disaster.

Im absolutely horrified by what Ive been subjected to by our local police depts..

My son was arrested July 10th and during his ordeal he should have been brought in on a 5150. However, they “tried to charge him with assault)

The arresting officers stated they wanted to bring him to the local Hospital that handles such situations.

Yet, a “Detective” made the deciding factor and brought him to men’s county jail. (he was beaten at the local police dept)

KNOWING full well my son wasn’t in his right mind. When he was lucid enough at the psych ward he told me everything.

He pointed to his head and said.. I remember EVERY detail.

**I cant go into detail** a select few know the whole story and WHY he was beaten. The mere mention of a name.. and he had his ass kicked.

YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!!!!! You and your righteous band of brothers …

I cried to my son.. cried for them beating him.. and you know what he said…

DON’T hate them mama, PRAY for them.

I still haven’t been able to pray for them.

Sorry..

I cant bring prayer to my lips for any of you. I cant even respect you. (hangs head in shame)

The night he was released into the ward the doctor asked who had beaten my son. His many knots on his head and face spoke volumes.

I was SICK over it. Picturing my son handcuffed, hands behind his back & beaten. His face fractured. His inability to protect himself

just brings me to my knees. 

 I know where the beating occurred. PAY BACK for what happened October 29th 2009 AT 11:39AM

(you’re department KILLED him) Is my son next because he’s RELATED?!

I mean WHO does that? Someone with a badge, who believes themselves “GOD” and above the law.

My son was mentally UNSTABLE. Just like Kelly Thomas.

Lets go over A  5150. here

Please see info

My son had tried to “stab himself” stating as much to an officer. His  stab wounds apparent on his arms and wrists.

He admitted to stabbing himself. As well as "seeing things"

I know personally how “corrupt” our system is. How officers have their own laws within the dept. You snitch.. your done. Or, you don’t go along with their ways, YOU’RE DONE.

Even if it’s the right thing to do. They TARGET YOU!

Boy do I know. Doesn’t matter if you’ve been raised with morals and values.. Whether your religious, whether you have a family or not. They turn their back on you if you don’t go with “their” way of thinking.

I watched a report recently on KCAL 9 (can read it HERE as well ) about Sherriff’s deputies being involved in a gang “within” their OWN dept called the 3000 club.

ARE YOU FRICKIN KIDDING ME?! you can read it HERE

They sport “bar code” tattoos on the back of their “bald” heads. (you can read it HERE) 

As I said.. Glorified gangsters and a legal way to kill people.

You bastards.

  

I’ve wondered how police have gotten away with murder for so long.  Corrupt cops patrolling our city streets and walking the halls of the mens county jail

I hope they ROT in hell for what they did to Kelly Thomas. 

You personally MAKE ME SICK.

And what makes me happy.. is the fact KARMAS a BITCH